My Mother, The Chronic Nag Saturday, Aug 23 2008 

My mother is a chronic nagger. She just doesn’t understand how to not nag. My sister and I even tried teaching her when she’s nagging by letting her know as soon as the nag voice started. I hate that high pitch squealing voice. It sounds like a rat that survived being run over by a dump truck. I just don’t know why she keeps nagging. My sister and I are both legal adults now, and yet my mom still thinks it is her job to “remind us” to do things. For instance, if my sister decides to stay out late my mother will constantly call her to “remind her” that she has to go to work the next day. Or if I want to go on some medication that she is against, she has to constantly “remind me” why she is against me taking this medication. I have no idea why she thinks it’s still her job to take care of us like we are children. We don’t need to be reminded to wash our hands, change into our home clothes, or to set the table before we eat. So why does she keep doing it?

It has been really bothering me lately since I am moving back home this weekend after five years of living away at university. I’ve been back for a couple of summers to work but it’s not the same as permanently moving home. My mother gets angry at me when I go to their house and I don’t remember where things are kept. Even though I tried to explain to her how it’s been years since there, she still thinks that I should automatically know. Last year when we had to fill out the Census, she was really upset when I told her I declared my home as the place I was living at rather than their house. I definitely know that this has to do with her inability to let go, but I’m not sure if there is more to that. Do all mothers go through this? Is this part of the empty nest syndrome? I mean she used to nag us, but it was never this bad.

Racism From Spanish Olympic Teams Monday, Aug 18 2008 

I’m sure most people have heard or read about the the Spanish basketball team slanting their eyes for an advertisement. When the story first broke out I was disgusted. I could not believe that every single individual in that room did not stop and say, “this is not right” – or at least ONE person. And what bothered me the most was that they didn’t even think it was offensive when there was an international outcry on their racist actions. Even if their intentions weren’t to offend people (which I seriously doubt), it does not automatically make your actions 1) not offensive, 2) inappropriate, and 3) racist. Slanting one’s eyes is not simply to “look” East Asian – it is a derogatory action to remind East Asians that they are beneath those who label them with their fingers to their face. It establishes a system of power between those who are mocking one group of people against a group of people who are mocked for their physical appearance. It is a human rights violation. Nobody should have to be ashamed of the way they look or their ancestry. Nobody.

This gets even worse though. After people showed their outrage and the Spanish team denied having done anything wrong, an additional slant-eye picture was taken with the Spanish tennis team. WTF?! This was basically them supporting the actions of the Spanish basketball team and stating, “hey, what we are doing is okay even though millions of people are hurt and offended by this action.” How insensitive, disrespectful and spiteful can people be? At least these incidents sheds some international light to the racism that is inherent in Spain – against people of East Asian descent, African descent, Muslims, Jews – heck, anyone who is not ethnically Spanish and religiously Catholic.

And what is really sad about all of this is the White privilege that is taking place and nobody is really addressing it. This situation is about power, dominance, and establishing superiority and inferiority by Othering. In a sense, it is quite in tune with the Olympic spirit; defeat your opponent and bring honour to your fellow people. This is just that this is not the PC way to do it, but it is the way to utilize their White privilege. Other groups would not have the same power to do this. Hence, it is not an equal playing field.

One thing I did want to say though is that through the unraveling of racism present against East Asians, I have become increasingly fearful. If my fiance, who is of Taiwanese descent, and I were to have children, what would my children experience? What if someone came up to them and slanted their eyes to mock their ancestry? How would I deal with this? I have experienced racism myself, but do I really know what it’s like to look East Asian as opposed to South Asian and be mocked on my appearance? Do I really know what it’s like to be called chink instead of paki? How would I teach my children about something that I have never experienced? And I know that my fiance would be doing this along side of me, but it still scares me to know that I don’t know. I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t know what it’s like to be a person who was teased with slant eyes look at the pictures of these Spanish teams. I know what anger for injustice feels like and the pain from racist remarks, but I don’t REALLY know how painful these images are. And in addition to this particular racist action, I don’t know what other experiences of racism people of East Asian descent have gone through. I only know my own experiences as an Indo-Canadian. I don’t think these experiences are the same. The pain might be the same, but does that commonality equip me to being a better person, and potentially, a better parent? I really don’t know why this is creating such fear in me. But it is pretty scary – to know that there are people in this world who want to hurt people that you care deeply for.

Dilemma on Mixed Children Wednesday, Jul 2 2008 

I went to a BBQ with my fiance this past weekend and his friend mentioned something that really got me thinking. This friend is the product of a Chinese-Canadian and German-Canadian union. We were talking about his recent trip to South Korea and he said how unified he found South Koreans to be with their culture. We discussed the pros and cons of being a part of such a system and he stated that he found that people of Korean descent in Canada who marry each other had an easier time understanding each other because they understood the background of the other person. He was never used to that growing up.

This made me think about the effects my union with my fiance will have on our children (if we choose to have any). Since I’m Indo-Canadian and he is Taiwanese-Canadian, there will be inevitable issues that our children will have to face as part of their individual identity construction that other children may not have to because their parents are from similar cultures. This does not make me regret my decision, but at this point I don’t know if there is anything I should be doing to assist in that process. I don’t know how much help I will be since I had to go through my own identity issues growing up. I had Indian parents, but not the “right type” of Indian parents (according to other kids with Indian parents) because my family is from South India and we are Christian (not Hindu or Sikh, which to many people are seen as the only religions in India). I just hope I won’t be doing a disservice to my future children because I don’t know how to assist them in feeling comfortable in their own skin (literally).

One of my worst fears is that my kids will feel inclined to choose between identifying themselves with either their Indian heritage or their Taiwanese heritage. I want them to know both sides of their ancestry while also feeling comfortable to call themselves Canadian. I hope they will have pride in their ancestry and not view it as a superficial attribute to score brownie points with people who see mixed unions as a nostalgic attribute to Canadian society rather than two families coming together to form a union that isn’t any different than any other non-mixed union. I don’t want them to feel different from everyone else because of who they are and where they come from.

[edit] I just watched a segment put on by msnbc called Multiracial in America. I got the link from a post on Kimchi Mamas. What great timing! [/edit]

Reflecting on the India Trip Tuesday, Jun 24 2008 

I got back from India last week. The trip was very enjoyable and I’m very thankful for being able to go. It was my Ajjamma’s 80th birthday and not only was I able to celebrate her birthday with her, I was also able to spend an entire week with her. It is a blessing I am truly grateful for. Spending that time with her was so priceless and precious to me. I may never get the chance to do that again and I made sure I took this opportunity to let her know how much I loved her. She told me how happy she was that my sister and I fit in so well since she was worried that her grandchildren who grew up abroad would be distant and alienated (my words, not hers). After seeing how some of my other cousins are I can understand her concern. I’m just glad that she enjoyed our time together as much as I did.

The trip also left me a little jaded. Poverty is not hidden like it is for the most part in Southern Ontario. I had begging children come up to me asking for money and food. It completely broke my heart that this is still a reality and I felt so helpless because the problem is so much bigger than me giving them some money for food. Also, hiring young girls for housework is so common there, but it bothered me so much. I know that this is one of the only opportunities these girls and young women have to sustain themselves and their families, but I just cannot ignore the structures of exploitation that are so blatant. I did not know how to react to this and I had to often leave the room to gather my thoughts and try to think through my emotions. I’m still unsure how to approach the issue.

Overall the trip was really good. Lots of family time and I had many questions answered. There are many things that I didn’t understand about my parents until I saw where their opinions, perceptions and rational originated from. It gave me a better perspective as to where my parents are coming from (pun intended =P). This trip was so valuable to me and I’m very glad that I was able to go on it.

Engagement Approval Tuesday, May 27 2008 

As I mentioned previously, I’m going to India with my family next week. I’m looking forward to it despite the reservations I have. I’m not sure how my family members will react to my engagement, especially since my fiance is of Taiwanese descent. My immediate family already knows I’m engaged and some have seen pictures on FB of the two of us. I’m pretty sure word has spread that he’s not Indian…or White. It’s usually assumed that if Indians marry out that it will be to a White person. But anyway, I have no idea what to expect their reactions to be. First, I don’t really understand the humour of my family’s culture. I just never grew up with it and I don’t know the context of it. I’m hoping that I will be less judgmental and more forgiving towards things that I would otherwise take offensively. The last thing I want is another one of my debates with my “liberal” ideas.

Second, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to care of their approval or disapproval. As far as I’m concerned it’s none of their business, but should I be thankful if they do give their approval? I’m not sure. Neither myself or my fiance asked for our parents approval or blessing towards our engagement. Was that wrong of us? I’d like to think it was our decision but should we care for our parents and families’ blessings?

It’s tough growing up with a different culture than your parents. For the both of us we are discovering our parents and their cultures through their reactions towards our decisions. Sometimes it is really frustrating because of the lack of communication. It’s not necessarily one side’s fault because culture and values are usually taken for granted and regarded as common sense. But it definitely causes aggravation and hurt feelings – something I would rather avoid. I’m not one to go out of my way to hurt people, although for the most part I can’t help it.

I wonder if Canadians with non-immigrant parents go through the same thing. Do they also learn about their parent’s culture through their actions? Is this also a generational thing and not just an immigrant family experience? If it is then I guess I would feel more normal…although this type of normal isn’t necessarily what I would want to be my normal.

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