It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been keeping myself busy with things. I am currently unemployed and it is surprising how busy I am because of it. In addition to wedding planning and job hunting I have found myself to be the gopher of the family. I am asked to conduct tasks that other family members can’t because they don’t have the ‘free time’ that I do. At least I’m not bored out of my mind.

Something that has been bothering me lately is POC that conform to right-wing justifications on the war on terror. I’ve noticed this with some of my to-be family members. As I’ve mentioned before, my fiance is of Taiwanese descent while I am of South-Indian descent. Just like some of my family members, some of his family members are very conservative, right-wing individuals. We used to be too until we received a broader perspective of the world through our experiences in the past couple of years. So these family members constantly justify the ‘war on terror’ and the fight against ‘terrorism’. One of the things that bothers me about this is their lack of recognition that ‘terrorists’ is often times used as a synonym for dark-skinned Asian peoples (or those that look like them). I know what it is like to be looked at with suspicion because of the colour of my skin. I’ve watched as my family was constantly stopped for a ‘random check’ when we tried to cross the American border while White families easily passed through without so much as a blink. I saw how my father struggled to find a full-time job (he is highly educated and experienced in his field) and how he didn’t get hired until he shaved off his beard. I’ve seen how people would only make eye contact with my White friends while avoiding looking at me while they spoke to all of us. The fact that our family is Christian, that we support charities, that we pay our taxes, that we are proud Canadian citizens, that we work hard does not matter. To those who scrutinize us and question us on our terrorist capabilities all that matters is that we look like those terrorists. Those who killed ‘innocent’ Americans. All they see is our skin colour and our ‘foreignness’.

I know that just because an individual is considered a coloured person that it doesn’t mean they know what it is like to be a person of a different colour. For instance, I do not know what it is really like to be a person of African descent or of East Asian descent. I can somewhat understand intellectually, but I cannot truly understand their experiences as POC. My fiance and his family do not understand the experiences that I have had because they are not the same type of POC that we are. They do not know what it is like to be assumed to be Muslim, or a terrorist, or someone who threatens White mainstream Canadian culture. Yes, they have their own experiences of discrimination, but that doesn’t mean they do not add to the discrimination against people that look like me.

I do not know how to address this issue with them. In many ways it could really rock the boat on our relationship (between myself and these family members). So far they have treated me really well and accepted me into their family. I’m hesitant to jeopardize that but at the same time it bothers me that they don’t recognize how their lack of understanding on the nuances of American military politics really affects me and those like me.

Note: Just to clarify, I do not believe anyone should be judged on their appearance. I do not believe that the scrutiny that Muslims receive is justified because some Muslims carry out violent acts against non-Muslims. There are “Christians” who would want to kill me and my family because we are not White Christians, but not every White Christian is made out to be a terrorist. It is not fair to judge an entire group based on a select few individuals who carry out extreme actions.

I was watching Jon and Kate Plus Eight earlier today (or should I say yesterday) and Kate said something that really annoyed me. She was talking about manners that they enforced in their household and she said something along the lines of, “we don’t eat with our hands because we’re not dogs.” This really pissed me off. It reflects a prevalent ethnocentric belief that proper table manners are only Western table manners.

I remember once when my university roommate, an international student from Japan, told me of an incident where a girl asked her why Japanese people continued to use chopsticks since the fork had been invented (implying that forks were a superior utensil to chopsticks). Comments like these are just reminders that cultures that don’t conform to mainstream Western practices are seen as uncivilized, backwards and abnormal.

Why is eating with your hands considered below human? Most Indians I’ve seen eat with their hands. In many ways it’s more sanitary than using utensils just like how squatting over a hole to relieve yourself is more hygienic than sitting on a public toilet (or even your home toilet). But of course, these practices are seen as barbaric and only part of primitive societies. And of course no civilized person living in America or Canada would dare to eat with their hands! Pizza, chicken wings and “finger foods” are still acceptable though and still allow us to maintain our human status [read: sarcasm].

It is really disheartening that comments like this go relatively unnoticed and are regarded as acceptable while those who do not conform/assimilate are subject to the harsh reality that their cultures continue to be mocked and dehumanized by white privilege. And for the record, in addition to the previous examples I stated, I refuse to accept the following bullshit: no elbows on the table, no picking up bowls off the table to eat, no slurping food (noodles taste better slurped!), no cutting your food with a fork.

I had a pretty intense argument with my parents a couple of nights ago. It all started with my dad telling us about an incident of discrimination that he faced in the airport by an immigration officer – not surprising since brown men are still seen as questionable terrorists but still very inappropriate and uncalled for. Anyway, I paralleled that story to our outing earlier that day at our bank. We were all going for our separate banking affairs but we arrived together. I went first – told the clerk (I don’t know what his job title is) that I needed to open up a savings account and he put my name on a list and told me to sit in the waiting area until a representative could meet with me. That was fine, but after I went to sit down he took my parents’ names and then asked if we were all together. They said yes and he said that he will get one representative for all of us. Then when we were waiting he came by twice to let us know that we would be helped shortly. The problem was that he only looked and talking to my father the entire time and disregarded my mother’s, my sister’s and my presence.

I brought up this story to illustrate a parallel of discrimination. My father was presumed to be a problem because of his skin colour and the perception of him as an immigrant, unwanted, and Other person. I was discriminated because of my perceived age (I look much younger than I really am) and my gender. Because my father was there he was of course regarded by this man (the service clerk) to be in charge and the only person worthy of being attended to. It did not matter than I had approached the clerk individually, placed my name on a waiting list, and was told to wait for my turn. No, my father was asked if I was part of his party. What right did the clerk have to do that? I am a separate customer and deserve to be attended to as an individual regardless of my perceived age, my gender, or my relation to any other person.

My parents did not see my point of view on this situation. They in fact were furious with my analysis and my “ego” that accompanied it. According to them, this man was doing his job and was respectful because he respected the role of the father. They did not see this situation as discriminatory towards me as a young person and a woman. They saw it as justified and acceptable because their status of privilege was acknowledged – both my parents for their age and my father for his gender. They took my opinion on the situation very personally and used it as another opportunity to bash me about how I do not respect my parents, unlike this man who showed respect for my father’s position. They then went on about how they should have never come to Canada because we (my sister and I) were out of hand and did not respect the sacrifices they made in coming here.

This is when I lost it. I hate emotional blackmail, and it was really hurtful that it came from my parents because I’ve seen how they have been the victims of emotional blackmail from other family members. How could they use that same tactic on me when they know what it feels like to be manipulated like that? I told them I wouldn’t fall for their emotional blackmail; that I do respect them and that many of my life decisions reflect my upbringing. It’s hard going against the norm but my sister have done it many times, but we have also adapted to our surroundings. We are not going to be like the way my parents were at my age. This is not India during the 60s/70s. Even people my age in India aren’t like how their parents were, and in many ways they are more Westernized than I am.

My parents have avoided talking to me for the past two days. Sadly this argument happened on my sister’s birthday and we had to have the cake-cutting the next day while my parents were semi sulky. They can be very immature and I’m not sure how to deal with them. I am not apologetic of who I am, the views I have or the experiences I have had that have led me to be this way. I will not feel guilty about myself because others do not agree with my views, my lifestyle choices, or anything else about me. And as much as it hurts me that my parents are not proud of who I am, I refuse to revert back to my self-hate days. Rather I want to continue to embrace myself and hope that someday they will be able to understand who I am and be proud of me.