Terrorism & Family Wednesday, Nov 12 2008

It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been keeping myself busy with things. I am currently unemployed and it is surprising how busy I am because of it. In addition to wedding planning and job hunting I have found myself to be the gopher of the family. I am asked to conduct tasks that other family members can’t because they don’t have the ‘free time’ that I do. At least I’m not bored out of my mind.

Something that has been bothering me lately is POC that conform to right-wing justifications on the war on terror. I’ve noticed this with some of my to-be family members. As I’ve mentioned before, my fiance is of Taiwanese descent while I am of South-Indian descent. Just like some of my family members, some of his family members are very conservative, right-wing individuals. We used to be too until we received a broader perspective of the world through our experiences in the past couple of years. So these family members constantly justify the ‘war on terror’ and the fight against ‘terrorism’. One of the things that bothers me about this is their lack of recognition that ‘terrorists’ is often times used as a synonym for dark-skinned Asian peoples (or those that look like them). I know what it is like to be looked at with suspicion because of the colour of my skin. I’ve watched as my family was constantly stopped for a ‘random check’ when we tried to cross the American border while White families easily passed through without so much as a blink. I saw how my father struggled to find a full-time job (he is highly educated and experienced in his field) and how he didn’t get hired until he shaved off his beard. I’ve seen how people would only make eye contact with my White friends while avoiding looking at me while they spoke to all of us. The fact that our family is Christian, that we support charities, that we pay our taxes, that we are proud Canadian citizens, that we work hard does not matter. To those who scrutinize us and question us on our terrorist capabilities all that matters is that we look like those terrorists. Those who killed ‘innocent’ Americans. All they see is our skin colour and our ‘foreignness’.

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Quarreling With Parents Monday, Sep 1 2008

I had a pretty intense argument with my parents a couple of nights ago. It all started with my dad telling us about an incident of discrimination that he faced in the airport by an immigration officer – not surprising since brown men are still seen as questionable terrorists but still very inappropriate and uncalled for. Anyway, I paralleled that story to our outing earlier that day at our bank. We were all going for our separate banking affairs but we arrived together. I went first – told the clerk (I don’t know what his job title is) that I needed to open up a savings account and he put my name on a list and told me to sit in the waiting area until a representative could meet with me. That was fine, but after I went to sit down he took my parents’ names and then asked if we were all together. They said yes and he said that he will get one representative for all of us. Then when we were waiting he came by twice to let us know that we would be helped shortly. The problem was that he only looked and talking to my father the entire time and disregarded my mother’s, my sister’s and my presence.

I brought up this story to illustrate a parallel of discrimination. My father was presumed to be a problem because of his skin colour and the perception of him as an immigrant, unwanted, and Other person. I was discriminated because of my perceived age (I look much younger than I really am) and my gender. Because my father was there he was of course regarded by this man (the service clerk) to be in charge and the only person worthy of being attended to. It did not matter than I had approached the clerk individually, placed my name on a waiting list, and was told to wait for my turn. No, my father was asked if I was part of his party. What right did the clerk have to do that? I am a separate customer and deserve to be attended to as an individual regardless of my perceived age, my gender, or my relation to any other person.

My parents did not see my point of view on this situation. They in fact were furious with my analysis and my “ego” that accompanied it. According to them, this man was doing his job and was respectful because he respected the role of the father. They did not see this situation as discriminatory towards me as a young person and a woman. They saw it as justified and acceptable because their status of privilege was acknowledged – both my parents for their age and my father for his gender. They took my opinion on the situation very personally and used it as another opportunity to bash me about how I do not respect my parents, unlike this man who showed respect for my father’s position. They then went on about how they should have never come to Canada because we (my sister and I) were out of hand and did not respect the sacrifices they made in coming here.

This is when I lost it. I hate emotional blackmail, and it was really hurtful that it came from my parents because I’ve seen how they have been the victims of emotional blackmail from other family members. How could they use that same tactic on me when they know what it feels like to be manipulated like that? I told them I wouldn’t fall for their emotional blackmail; that I do respect them and that many of my life decisions reflect my upbringing. It’s hard going against the norm but my sister have done it many times, but we have also adapted to our surroundings. We are not going to be like the way my parents were at my age. This is not India during the 60s/70s. Even people my age in India aren’t like how their parents were, and in many ways they are more Westernized than I am.

My parents have avoided talking to me for the past two days. Sadly this argument happened on my sister’s birthday and we had to have the cake-cutting the next day while my parents were semi sulky. They can be very immature and I’m not sure how to deal with them. I am not apologetic of who I am, the views I have or the experiences I have had that have led me to be this way. I will not feel guilty about myself because others do not agree with my views, my lifestyle choices, or anything else about me. And as much as it hurts me that my parents are not proud of who I am, I refuse to revert back to my self-hate days. Rather I want to continue to embrace myself and hope that someday they will be able to understand who I am and be proud of me.

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Identity Through Koreanness Saturday, Aug 16 2008

I have been listening to Japanese and Korean music for the past seven years, and counting. The music made me look into other forms of Japanese and Korean media, such as variety shoes, music shows, movies, dramas, etc. which in turn gave me greater exposure to Japanese and Korean culture, respectively. With Korean culture in particular, or should I say, overt mainstream Korean culture, I found that there were many things that I could relate to. The mentality, the hierarchy, the gender discrimination, idealized images, etc. were also rampant in my parent’s culture. Even though my parents didn’t buy into many traditional Indian values (mostly because they were Christian and somewhat progressive – they’re still quite conservative), I was still exposed to these socialzing factors via other family members and through interaction with other Indians.

In a sense, the exposure that I had to Korean culture and those who talked about their issues with it (mostly Korean Americans) helped me feel like I wasn’t alone. Not necessarily like I belonged, because I am far from finding a “community” that I really fit into or can find a nice nook to plant my butt in, but more so knowing that there are others who are struggling just like me. That’s one of the reasons that I read so many things by Korean Americans/Canadians or Koreans in American/Canada because since there isn’t an Indian community for myself, I can kind of look to them from a distance for guidance. I think it’s better to read about others’ experiences to reflect on your own life, even if it isn’t completely the same, rather than not having anything at all.

For my research, which is on second-generation Keralite Christian women in the GTA, I read a lot of literature on Korean Christians in the U.S. This was mostly because they have so much more literature than any other recent racialized Christian community, but also because the more I read about them, the more I understood my own community. The immigrant experience, the conflict of living between two worlds, being brought up by immigrant parents, feeling isolated by White Christian communities, constantly racialized, etc. These issues were actually being addressed in this literature. I didn’t feel like I was the only one who noticed. And it feels good to know you’re not alone; that you’re not imagining things, or your not looking too much into your observations. It’s good to have that verification. And so, having some sort of connection with the Korean community in Canada/U.S. (even if it is just online or thorugh literature) really helped me deal with a lot of identity issues that I had. I’m still dealing with it, but I just wanted to share how it is possible to learn more about yourself and your experiences from a different culture than your own.

This book in particular helped me a lot. Actually, most of the literature written by Rebecca Y. Kim has. “God’s New Whiz Kids? Korean American Evangelicals on Campus” by Rebecally Y. Kim (2006).

P.S. I can read Hangul and I can’t even read Kannada.

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Engagement Approval Tuesday, May 27 2008

As I mentioned previously, I’m going to India with my family next week. I’m looking forward to it despite the reservations I have. I’m not sure how my family members will react to my engagement, especially since my fiance is of Taiwanese descent. My immediate family already knows I’m engaged and some have seen pictures on FB of the two of us. I’m pretty sure word has spread that he’s not Indian…or White. It’s usually assumed that if Indians marry out that it will be to a White person. But anyway, I have no idea what to expect their reactions to be. First, I don’t really understand the humour of my family’s culture. I just never grew up with it and I don’t know the context of it. I’m hoping that I will be less judgmental and more forgiving towards things that I would otherwise take offensively. The last thing I want is another one of my debates with my “liberal” ideas.

Second, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to care of their approval or disapproval. As far as I’m concerned it’s none of their business, but should I be thankful if they do give their approval? I’m not sure. Neither myself or my fiance asked for our parents approval or blessing towards our engagement. Was that wrong of us? I’d like to think it was our decision but should we care for our parents and families’ blessings?

It’s tough growing up with a different culture than your parents. For the both of us we are discovering our parents and their cultures through their reactions towards our decisions. Sometimes it is really frustrating because of the lack of communication. It’s not necessarily one side’s fault because culture and values are usually taken for granted and regarded as common sense. But it definitely causes aggravation and hurt feelings – something I would rather avoid. I’m not one to go out of my way to hurt people, although for the most part I can’t help it.

I wonder if Canadians with non-immigrant parents go through the same thing. Do they also learn about their parent’s culture through their actions? Is this also a generational thing and not just an immigrant family experience? If it is then I guess I would feel more normal…although this type of normal isn’t necessarily what I would want to be my normal.

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