I am currently working on my own research for a Masters program I’m completing. I am looking and second generation women from a particular Indian Christian community who attend a mono-ethnic congregation. From the interviews   conducted so far it has made me really feel a connection to these women. So many of their experiences mimic my own, yet some of their perspectives on these experiences are so different from my own. I’m so curious as to what causes this difference. Is it because of a difference in personalities, or upbringing, or even our different Christian communities? How has attending a mono-ethnic church differ from attending a multi-ethnic church?

Ever since I’ve been with my partner I have wondered what it would have been like if I had closer contact with others from my ethno-religious community. Unlike his family who attended a mono-ethnic church, my family attended a multi-ethnic church and had a less emphasis on the integration of religion and culture. For many of my participants it was the opposite. I wonder what I would have been like attending one of their churches. Would I be the person I am today? Would I have even thought about being with my fiance, who is of Taiwanese descent? And now, do I want to pursue relationships with members of my community? Would I be better off or should I stop thinking that I am lacking something in my life? I’m not sure if I am being petty or if this growing desire is something worth addressing.

Something that is really interesting is how people stare at other people even when they personally believe that staring is rude. Why does this occur? Why are people so fascinated with other people? I like to think of myself as a person that isn’t really concerned too much with strangers and their lives. If I see an unusual couple pairing or an individual wearing interesting clothing, I’d probably just smile to myself and think, “that’s cool”. Of course, not everyone likes change, difference or “abnormality”. I would be a liar if I said I was completely open to these things too.

Even though my fiance and I have been together for almost five years, it still bothers me how we are stared at constantly. Yes I understand that it’s not as common here to see our type of inter-ethnic couple, but I find that most stares are more than just curiosity. Many stares are filled with hatred, mostly from our own “racial” groups – which I really don’t understand. How is our relationship threatening to anyone else?

I find that I am the target of these hateful looks more than my fiance. I attribute this to the believe that women are the gatekeepers of morality. When we see a woman that is too sexual, too independent, too free spirited, and who goes against her expected role, she is seen as being a failure to her role as a moral gatekeeper. She is seen as the slut, the whore, the traitor. Why is this message still reproduced in our society? It is complete bullshit. Why is it the woman’s purity that is supposed to be protected? Why isn’t she allowed to have autonomy over her body and her selection of partners? And why is she given more flack for marrying outside her caste, social class, ‘race”, ethnicity, etc.? Our society still has so much to overcome in terms of gender inequality. Even after teaching three first-year classes of sociology students (they tend to be very naive about the world), it still amazes me how many people think that we have achieved gender equality. Oh ignorance…it is NOT bliss.

One of the few things that I actually care about for the wedding/reception is our wedding cake topper. I wanted one that had a South Asian bride and an East Asian groom. Well surprise, surprise they don’t have them. I don’t know why I thought that with the current increase in inter-ethnic marriages that wedding topper creators would get more creative. Most wedding toppers that were listed under the “ethnic” category (which is stupid since white people have an ethnicity also) were for couples from the same or similar ethnicity. There was a set of mix-and-match couples that was listed under every website I went to, but they had a pretty limited selection. Every “race” was represented by only one figurine for each sex except for *surprise surprise* the white category. They had theirs broken down into hair colour for added variety. Lucky them! There was an “Asian’ groom but there wasn’t a South Asian bride to choose from. So if we want to choose from that collection, I have to either be “African American” or “Hispanic”. *sigh*

I went to a BBQ with my fiance this past weekend and his friend mentioned something that really got me thinking. This friend is the product of a Chinese-Canadian and German-Canadian union. We were talking about his recent trip to South Korea and he said how unified he found South Koreans to be with their culture. We discussed the pros and cons of being a part of such a system and he stated that he found that people of Korean descent in Canada who marry each other had an easier time understanding each other because they understood the background of the other person. He was never used to that growing up.

This made me think about the effects my union with my fiance will have on our children (if we choose to have any). Since I’m Indo-Canadian and he is Taiwanese-Canadian, there will be inevitable issues that our children will have to face as part of their individual identity construction that other children may not have to because their parents are from similar cultures. This does not make me regret my decision, but at this point I don’t know if there is anything I should be doing to assist in that process. I don’t know how much help I will be since I had to go through my own identity issues growing up. I had Indian parents, but not the “right type” of Indian parents (according to other kids with Indian parents) because my family is from South India and we are Christian (not Hindu or Sikh, which to many people are seen as the only religions in India). I just hope I won’t be doing a disservice to my future children because I don’t know how to assist them in feeling comfortable in their own skin (literally).

One of my worst fears is that my kids will feel inclined to choose between identifying themselves with either their Indian heritage or their Taiwanese heritage. I want them to know both sides of their ancestry while also feeling comfortable to call themselves Canadian. I hope they will have pride in their ancestry and not view it as a superficial attribute to score brownie points with people who see mixed unions as a nostalgic attribute to Canadian society rather than two families coming together to form a union that isn’t any different than any other non-mixed union. I don’t want them to feel different from everyone else because of who they are and where they come from.

[edit] I just watched a segment put on by msnbc called Multiracial in America. I got the link from a post on Kimchi Mamas. What great timing! [/edit]

As I mentioned previously, I’m going to India with my family next week. I’m looking forward to it despite the reservations I have. I’m not sure how my family members will react to my engagement, especially since my fiance is of Taiwanese descent. My immediate family already knows I’m engaged and some have seen pictures on FB of the two of us. I’m pretty sure word has spread that he’s not Indian…or White. It’s usually assumed that if Indians marry out that it will be to a White person. But anyway, I have no idea what to expect their reactions to be. First, I don’t really understand the humour of my family’s culture. I just never grew up with it and I don’t know the context of it. I’m hoping that I will be less judgmental and more forgiving towards things that I would otherwise take offensively. The last thing I want is another one of my debates with my “liberal” ideas.

Second, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to care of their approval or disapproval. As far as I’m concerned it’s none of their business, but should I be thankful if they do give their approval? I’m not sure. Neither myself or my fiance asked for our parents approval or blessing towards our engagement. Was that wrong of us? I’d like to think it was our decision but should we care for our parents and families’ blessings?

It’s tough growing up with a different culture than your parents. For the both of us we are discovering our parents and their cultures through their reactions towards our decisions. Sometimes it is really frustrating because of the lack of communication. It’s not necessarily one side’s fault because culture and values are usually taken for granted and regarded as common sense. But it definitely causes aggravation and hurt feelings – something I would rather avoid. I’m not one to go out of my way to hurt people, although for the most part I can’t help it.

I wonder if Canadians with non-immigrant parents go through the same thing. Do they also learn about their parent’s culture through their actions? Is this also a generational thing and not just an immigrant family experience? If it is then I guess I would feel more normal…although this type of normal isn’t necessarily what I would want to be my normal.